Do You Have Conflict in Love Relationships?

Jay Earley, Ph.D.

Do you find yourself having too many fights with your spouse or lover? Do you end up screaming at each other? Or does one of you withdraw and the other feel abandoned? Do you end up distant or sniping at each other for days? Do you seem to have the same old fights over and over? Sometimes your rights aren’t even about important issues, but they keep happening. And they are destroying the beautiful love that you once had!

If you answered yes to some of these questions, you aren’t alone. Conflicts like this are the biggest source of problems in love relationships. It is a very common issue that affects many couples.

Does your partner act awful? Certainly not the wonderful person you fell in love with. Who is that shut-down stone? Who is that nasty shamer? He or she comes out with these awful statements that cut you to the quick.

Do parts of you come out in fights that you don’t like. Who is that screaming lunatic? Who is that child who bursts into tears and can’t cope? That isn’t who you really are! Yet you keep acting that way when you get into a fight.

It is understandable why we sometimes lose it with our partners. We open ourselves up in a love relationship. Our deepest needs emerge, dying to be met. So when we get hurt instead, this triggers pain and need from our earliest years. Young vulnerable parts of us come out, even if we aren’t aware of this!

No wonder we get angry, judgmental, or withdrawn. These are defenses against our childhood pain.

Here is the good news: There is something you can do about this!

I have developed a powerful process that can minimize your fights and help rekindle your love.

It is based on three approaches that fit together neatly- the Pattern System, IFS, and Communication from the Heart.

The Pattern System. When you get into fights, certain patterns of yours get triggered that cause trouble And the same for your partner. In fact, your patterns trigger theirs and vice-versa.

Do you have a Blaming Pattern or a Controlling Pattern? Does your partner have a Distancing Pattern or Defensive Pattern? Do you become a People Pleaser? Does your Abandoned Pattern get triggered?

The Pattern System is a comprehensive way of mapping the human psyche that I have developed over the last 20 years. It will help you see what is going on between you in your conflicts.

Internal Family Systems Therapy  (IFS) is a powerful, user-friendly form of therapy develop by Richard Schwartz that has been expanding around the world. It has a proven method for connecting with the parts of you that get triggered in fights and transforming them, so they no longer make trouble.

Communication from the Heart. I have developed an approach that integrates IFS with communication methods like Nonviolent Communication. You will learn how to access your true Self and communicate with your partner in a way that resolves your conflicts and calms down the negative energy that has built up between you. Over time, this will allow you to regain your love for each other and take your relationship to a deeper place of connection.

Please feel free to contact me at