After You Have Obtained Permission to Work with an Exile

When you want to work with an exile, the first thing you do is to obtain permission from the target protector, are you free to work with the exile?

That depends on whether there are other protectors that feel this exile is dangerous. Often you can simply move on to working with the exile, but it would be wise to deal with any additional resistance now. Otherwise, these protectors will repeatedly interrupt your work with the exile.

Therefore, if it seems called for, ask if there are any other protectors that don’t want you to access the exile. Usually they will step forward, and you can ask about their fears and reassure them, just as you did with the primary protector. This will usually clear the way for uninterrupted work with the exile.

However, sometimes protectors pop up later. While you are working with the exile, if a protector feels threatened by the pain that is coming up from the exile, it may reactivate to block that pain. You may get sleepy or distracted. You may go into your head or get angry. Use your parts-detecting ability to recognize when such a protector has been triggered. If it is the same protector that has already given you permission, ask what happened in your work with the exile to make it change its mind. Usually it’s because the pain of the exile started to emerge in an intense way. Find out what it is afraid of now and reassure it about that fear.

If it is a new protector that you haven’t gotten permission from or haven’t worked with before, you may need to spend some time with this protector, getting to know it and its positive intent. Then ask its permission to go on with your work with the exile.

Sometimes, if an exile’s pain is threatening to overwhelm you, a protector will keep jumping in to stop this from happening, and no amount of reassurance will work. Then you must negotiate with the exile about unblending even before you ask the protector for permission. Once the protector sees that the exile has agreed not to flood you, it will probably give the go-ahead.

IFS Capacities 2

Following up on yesterday’s post, here are some more capacities that are valuable in the IFS process.

Trusting the process
Perspective of Self on parts
Ability to tolerate experiential work
Ability to tolerate opening up exiles
Ability to tolerate parts transforming
Compassion and connectedness with parts
Clarity about inner process
Your protectors generally trust you to work with exiles

Working with an Exile
Getting permission to work with an exile. Reassuring protectors.
Giving hope to a protector.
Detecting when you are blended with an exile
Unblending from an exile’s pain and staying in Self
Negotiating with an exile to not flood you so you can get permission to work with it
Consciously blending with an exile when appropriate
Being compassionate toward an exile and connected with it
Getting to know an exile
Developing a relationship with an exile
Accessing childhood origins of an exile’s burden
Accessing implicit memories
Accessing generic memories
Working through blocks to seeing the origins
Witnessing childhood origins of an exile’s burden
Knowing when the witnessing is complete for that session

Healing an Exile
Being a loving, supportive, nurturing Self for an exile
Working through blocks to an exile receiving reparenting
Embodying the reparenting experience
Being a powerful, protective Self for an exile
Retrieving an exile
Working through blocks to an exile being retrieved
Unburdening an exile
Knowing what to do when an exile isn’t ready to unburden
Knowing what to do if the unburdening doesn’t work or doesn’t complete
Allowing the positive qualities to emerge after an unburdening
Embodying the positive qualities