New Interactive Groups by Videoconference

Interactive GroupsFor the first time ever, I am excited to announce that I will be leading interactive groups by videoconference, so you can participate from anywhere in the world! I have been leading in-person groups like since 1978, but now, with the advent of videoconference technology, it is possible to have Interactive Groups online where we can see each other. So I am starting two new Interactive Groups.

Interactive Groups can improve your ability to relate:

  • in a love relationship
  • with family
  • with friends
  • on the job
  • in social settings 

An Interactive Group can help you . . .

  • Develop your capacity for intimacy and learn how to make a love relationship work
  • Become more assertive
  • Become more outgoing and socially comfortable
  • Learn what you may be doing to keep your relationships from being satisfying
  • Understand and trust people of the opposite sex . . . or of the same sex
  • Learn how to deal with anger and conflict constructively
  • Become part of a loving community of people
  • Raise your self-esteem
  • Get in touch with your personal power 

You can learn these relationship skills:

  • Being in touch with your feelings and expressing them
  • Reaching out to others confidently
  • Saying ”No” firmly
  • Allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable
  • Expressing yourself forcefully and spontaneously
  • Being comfortable relating to a group of people
  • Asking for what you really want
  • Having the courage to bring up difficult issues
  • Empathizing with others 

What Happens

  • You work directly on how you are relating to the other group members . . . in the moment. Instead of just talking about how you relate in your life, you practice interacting with others right in the group and get help as you do.
  • You get direct and honest feedback on how people are reacting to you.
  • The group provides a safe place for you to try out new, healthy ways of relating to people.
  • You learn how to feel your emotional responses while interacting with people
  • You learn how communicate openly, clearly, and assertively.
  • You learn how to access and work with the parts of you that get triggered in interactions with people, using IFS.
  • You discover your ways of relating that aren’t working for you , so you can experiment with changing them in the group.
  • You can share your life issues and struggles with the group.
  • You see other people struggling with problems similar to yours, and through this you learn about yourself and others.
  • There is a strong sense of support for each person and a warm feeling of community in the group. 

The Interactive Group Experience, a detailed article on what it is like to be in an interactive group. 


Keeping It Real: A Therapist’s Guide To Working With Couples

Marla Silverman PhDMarla Silverman, PhD

Dr. Marla Silverman is a consummate professional who specializes in work with couples. She is a wonderful teacher who embodies the groundedness, clarity, and openhearted wisdom that we all strive for. We are excited to be able to offer her new video on couples’ therapy, Keeping It Real: A Therapist’s Guide to Working with Couples in our store. This teaching is appropriate for beginning and experienced therapists as well for couples who are working on their relationship. We hope that you will take advantage of this opportunity at a 10% discount for a limited time.

Marla’s video set is a fabulous teaching tool for beginning and experienced therapists. It is very well done. It is clear, professional, and addresses all the issues that a therapist needs to know to work with couples in a precise, personal manner. After watching it, I have found that my work with couples has markedly improved. I’m structuring the sessions a little bit differently and watching with more acuity.

Bonnie Weiss, LCSW

In this 3 DVD set Dr. Marla Silverman shares principles and methods of working with couples gleaned from 40 years of experience. In a 2 1/2 hour interview she answers 51 questions therapists need to know about doing couples work. There are 2 demonstration sessions which can be watched with and without commentary by Dr. Silverman:

Demo 1: Regulating Wounded Young Parts in a Seriously Dysregulated Couple

Demo 2: Moment-to-Moment Work with a Highly Reactive Couple

Keeping It Real - Marla Silverman PhDClick here to learn more or purchase.


How Can We Be Close Again In Our Relationship

Discover the Patterns of Intimacy in Your Relationship and How to Change ThemIntimacy in Your Relationship

  • Has your relationship gone dead?
  • Do you long for the closeness you used to have?
  • Is the passion and sexual excitement gone?
  • Is there an atmosphere of hostility between you?
  • Do you pretend that you don’t need anything in the relationship?
  • Have you pulled away from your partner?

Learn about how you avoid intimacy in your relationship.

Take this quiz to learn about your patterns of intimacy and what to do about the ones that aren’t working. Have your partner do the same.



A Story of Developing the Assertiveness Capacity

This is a continuation of the story about Lauren and her People-Pleasing Pattern.

In therapy, Lauren explored her People-Pleasing Part, which pleased and merged with people instead of taking care of herself. This part was frightened that if she didn’t please people, they wouldn’t care for her and love her. In exploring the origins of this part in childhood, she remembered that her mother always expected her to do things her mother’s way. She was withholding and distant if Lauren didn’t go along with her mother’s every wish. When Lauren did please her mother, she was very loving and nurturing with Lauren. So the Pleaser part learned that this was the only way to get love. In addition, Lauren had a part that just expected certain people to run her life the way her mother did.

Lauren got to know the Pleasing Part. From Self, she made a connection with it, so the Pleasing part knew that she was there for it. She also made a connection with the exile who was dominated. Then she explained to them that she was no longer a little girl who was dependent on her mother’s love. She no longer had to allow people to run her life. She was a grown woman who had made it in the world. She explained that almost all of her friends would care for her and want to be close to her whether or not she went out of her way to please them. She wasn’t sure about one particular friend, but she asked the part to let her practice being herself and asserting herself with her other friends, whom she knew would be supportive.

The parts were willing to allow her to experiment with self-assertion and she began bringing up issues that had been bothering her with her friends. They responded well and her connection with them improved. She also enjoyed the sense of knowing and being herself that came from this, and also the feeling of personal power.

Then Lauren considered the questions of whether Joe would still love her even if she didn’t go along with everything he wanted. When she stepped back and looked at this from Self, Lauren also believed that he would. She explained this to the Pleasing part, and even though it wasn’t totally sold on this idea, it agreed to let her experiment with being more assertive with Joe.

She thought about the issue that Joe had brought up about her not being outgoing and friendly enough with his family. She realized that it was true, but she realized that Joe abandoned her at family functions. He went off with his brothers or father and didn’t help her to connect with his family. She told him she needed him to be with her and support her when they were with his family, and then she would get more comfortable and be able to be more friendly with them.

Joe was reluctant to do this at first because he really loved going off with the other men in his family. However, Lauren practiced standing up for her needs. She told Joe that it wouldn’t be forever, but she really needed him to support her for the next few months with his family. Then when she felt more at ease with them, he could go off with the boys. He agreed to do this, and she did become more relaxed and at ease with his family. He was very happy about this.

Lauren continued to assert herself in other ways with Joe, and surprise, surprise! Not only did Joe not pull away from her, as she had feared, but their relationship improved markedly. They were able to work through issues that had been hidden and simmering, and they ended up closer than ever.

You can use Self-Therapy Journey to transform the People-Pleasing Pattern into the Assertiveness Capacity. Click here to find out more.

Patterns of Power in Relationships Teleseminar

Patterns of Power in Relationships Teleseminar
Tuesday, March 18
4:30-6:30 PM pacific time (7:30-9:30 PM eastern time)

Click and Register Button


How do you deal with power in your relationships and interactions with people?

  • Can you assert yourself and exercise your personal power?
  • Can you work with people in a spirit of cooperation?
  • Do you give in too easily to others or try too hard to please them?
  • Do you need to be in control in many situations and get your way?
  • Do you feel as though you must stand up for yourself against people you view as dominating?
  • Do you frustrate others without realizing why?



This free teleseminar deals with the Power Dimension of the Pattern System. Learn about the common problematic patterns and healthy relational capacities that have to do with power. Learn how to work through patterns of yours that get in the way of healthy relating. If you are a therapist or coach, learn how to understand your clients’ power patterns and how to help them. IFS provides powerful tools for transforming problematic patterns of power which integrate beautifully with the Pattern System.

This call will be a webinar so I can show you various graphics about the Power Dimension of the Pattern System on the web, so plan to have access to a computer or tablet, if possible. We will be looking at

The teleseminar will be recorded, so enroll even if you can’t attend, and you will receive the recording.

There are four problematic patterns in the Power Dimension—People-Pleasing, Passive-Aggressive, Controlling, and Rebel. Which ones do you have? Which ones do people you are close to have? Each of them is in Self-Therapy Journey, so you can work on transforming them through that web program.

The People-Pleasing Pattern involves complying with what other people want and trying to make them happy.

The Passive-Aggressive Pattern involves outwardly attempting to please people while rebelling against them in subtle ways that leave them frustrated and confused.

The Controlling Pattern involves being dominant and demanding, and expecting to have things your way.

The Rebel Pattern involves rebelling against other people’s power in an attempt to preserve your autonomy.

There are two complementary healthy capacities in the Power Dimension—Cooperation and Assertiveness.

The Cooperation Capacity involves the ability to be receptive and work well with others.

The Assertiveness Capacity involves the ability to think and act for yourself and to exert power to get what you want, protect yourself, or achieve what you think is right.


Transforming Your Relationship Patterns Phone Course

Conflict Care and LoveTo register, click here
Mar 19 – Apr 23 (6 weeks)
4:30-6:30 PM Pacific Time (7:30-9:30 Eastern Time)

Find out why your relationships get mired in conflicts, power struggles, distancing, or deadness rather than providing the love and caring you want? This course will help you understand your problematic relationship patterns and those of your current or past partners. For example, are you Dependent, People-Pleasing, or Conflict-Avoiding? Is your partner Controlling, Passive-Aggressive, or Distancing? You will also learn how to work through and transform these patterns using IFS. And you will discover how to cultivate the healthy capacities that make relationships work, for example, Self-Support, Assertiveness, Intimacy, Cooperation, and Caring.

This course covers four of the most important interpersonal dimensions in the Pattern System—Intimacy, Conflict, Power, and Care. It is based on the newly published book Conflict, Care, and Love: Transforming Your Relationship Patterns. For more information on this book, click

The patterns and capacities in these dimensions deal with how you relate to all people in your life, and they are especially relevant for love relationships.

Learn how to work through patterns of yours that get in the way of healthy relating. Learn how to deal with your partner’s patterns. If you are a therapist or coach, learn how to understand your clients’ patterns and how to help them. IFS provides powerful tools for transforming problematic patterns which integrate beautifully with the Pattern System.

This course will be a webinar, so I will be showing you various graphics about these dimensions of the Pattern System on the web, so plan to have access to a computer or tablet, if possible.