The Exile Is in Charge of Reparenting and Retrieval

In the IFS model, in both the reparenting and retrieval steps, we always check to see what the exile needs or wants. This guides us in deciding exactly how to do the reparenting or retrieval. Exile in Charge of Reparenting

It isn’t a good idea to assume that you know what she needs. You can suggest options to the exile that she might not think of, but don’t you decide what she needs without checking with her.

She knows best. You may be very surprised to discover what she wants. The exile can sense more truly than you what would be most healing for her.

In addition, it is healing for the exile to be in charge of what happens to her. In the original childhood situation, it was just the opposite. She had no say in how she was treated, even though it caused her considerable pain.

This leads most exiles to feel powerless and helpless.

Now you can redress this by having her be in control. This will empower her and help her feel safe.