Unblending from Judgmental Protectors

What Is Required for Unburdening to SucceedIn order to get to know an exile successfully, it is important for you to be in Self, just as with protectors.

To check for this, notice how you are feeling toward the exile.

  • If you are feeling curious, accepting, connected, or compassionate, you are in Self and can proceed.
  • If you are feeling judgmental, angry, or scared of the exile, or if you want it to go away, you aren’t in Self.

You are blended with a concerned part, which is a protector that is worried about your working with the exile. You have already obtained permission to work with it from the protector that was your original target part, but there may be other protectors that don’t think it is safe to open up to the exile. This concerned part is one of these. Ask the concerned part to step aside so you can be in a position to help transform the exile. Often that will be enough for it to relax and let you return to Self. Then you can go on to get to know the exile.

Sometimes a protector isn’t afraid of your working with an exile, but it has negative feelings toward the exile, which blocks your ability to listen to it from a caring place. Here are the two most common reasons for this, and how to respond to the protector so it will step aside.

  1. The protector may be upset with the exile because it has caused problems in your life. For example, the exile’s fears have kept you from taking risks to move ahead. Or the exile’s feelings of worthlessness have made you depressed. Therefore, it isn’t surprising that there would be a protector that doesn’t like the exile and wants to eliminate it in order to solve this problem. However, this attitude will not lead to healing. Explain to the protector that you won’t let the exile take over. Your goal is to help the exile unburden itself of the fear or insecurity she carries so that she won’t disrupt your life anymore. Ask the protector to step aside and allow you to relate to the exile from a loving place so this unburdening can happen. Since this responds directly to the protector’s concern with the exile, it is likely to agree.
  2. The protector might feel judgmental towards the exile because she is scared or insecure or weak, or just because she is too emotional. These judgments usually mirror the attitudes your parents had toward you when you were young, since protectors sometimes model themselves after your parents. (In psychotherapy, this is called internalization.) Explore with the protector where it got these judgments so it realizes that they aren’t actual truths about the exile but rather parental attitudes it took on. You can also explain that the exile is only feeling scared or insecure because of what happened to it when you were young and vulnerable, so it isn’t really the exile’s fault. This may also help the protector to relax its judgments. Then ask it to step aside so you can heal the exile.